You know what I hate? Feeling guilty for being overwhelmed. I hate that I can't say what hell my life is like right now without knowing that someone's going to say I'm doing it wrong. Or even worse, saying "don't worry about it girl; you always figure it out somehow." Because when you do it all on your own for so long, people get used to you relying on you. They expect that you'll figure it out. It sucks to be dismissed.
Being a student in this economy is hard. Being a single mom in this economy is hard. Being a single-mom who is a student in this economy is exponentially harder.
Let me give you an idea of my typical schedule:
- Wake up 6am
- Study 6-730am
- Get the girls up and off to school 730-830am
- Carpool to campus 830-930am
- Tutor: 9:45-10:45am
- Study/Gym 10:50-11:50am
- Class/PLUS Group Facilitating: 12-220pm
- Pickup Kids 3pm
- Homework, Housework, Dinner, kids, etc: 3:15-8:15pm
- Study: 8:30-11pm
- Sleep: 11pm
Sometimes, this schedule is thrown off by other things, such as meetings, counseling appointments for the kids, extra activities for work, school, etc. I don't get every other weekend off when the kids visit their father (because they don't ever see their father); I don't receive child support (if I were to receive a lump sum payment of back child support owed, I could buy a Subaru, for cash).
Someone once asked me how I do it. I said "I don't know. I do it because I have to." And that's true. I do it because I only have one life; I only have one opportunity to get this shit right and I know what I want to do. I want to write poetry, and I want to pass on my joy for literature and the exploration of language to other people by teaching. That means I need to get a bunch of acronyms and attach them to the back of my name. It means I have to go to school and work my ass off. It means I have to make sacrifices (often including my sanity) so that while I'm working on my educational goals I still have time and energy to devote to my kids. It means sometimes I operate on 3 hours sleep because my girls want me to volunteer at field day.
Thing is though, sometimes, I also realize I'm overwhelmed. I'm not superwoman afterall; I'm just highly motivated and determined. I'm also not stupid. I know when I need to delegate; I know when I need to take a deep breath; I know when I have to get a few minutes of quiet solitude where I do nothing but vegetate. So it really sucks when I reach one of those points and get faced with reproach for poor planning, or praise at my greatness and the face-slap compliment: "you'll figure it out, you always do" when I ask for help.
I could understand if I was a lazy bitch who never helped out anyone else. If I was a slacker who failed all my classes and never got my work done, I'd totally get it. But I'm not a slacker. And I do help people out. I'm the mom who always lets the girls classmates spend the night when their parents need a break. And I don't just take one kid, I take them all. And I always help my friends when they ask for help on an assignment, or need someone to bounce ideas off of. I complete my work in group projects and never let the group down. I help my family out even when I can't afford to or don't have the time; I make the time appear.
It's ok though, really. Cause they're right. I will figure it out. I always do; I do it because I have to. And I'll still smile when I see you and say don't worry about it. It always works out. It will work out this time too. I'll do it. Don't sweat it. I won't even need ice cream or chocolate to get it done, either. I'll find some other way to destress, eventually.
No comments:
Post a Comment